Heavy heart.

In the past week, I have heard of TWO young daddies who have passed away from stage 4 cancer. Healthy, young, vibrant lives, ripped from earth by this evil monster. Both were Christian men, both are in heaven with their creator, no more suffering, no more pain. In this, there is peace. However, my heart aches for the wives and babies they are leaving behind. 

When I imagine myself in this situation, I am racked with fear. Would I have what it takes to get through it? Would I be smart enough or strong enough to get through one day, one week, one lifetime without my husband? Would I hold on to Jesus or would I back away from Him in anger? I know the answer- God would see me through. He would not forsake me. However, there is the voice in the back of my head that implores with God, "Please, don't allow me to go through that. Please, not me." I know these wives prayed the same prayer. Which is even more terrifying to me. 

I am brought to my knees by the graciousness of God. Fully aware that earth is fallen, and life here will always be messy, until Jesus comes back. People ask, "Why would God allow such suffering to good people." I don't struggle with that. I know that suffering here is a result of man's sin. The goodness of God is through imputed righteousness and eternal life. We are not guaranteed health and happiness here on earth. I KNOW THAT. Yet, I still beg God not to give me scary circumstances, to not make me suffer. I am certainly NOT with Paul as he says, "For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him." (Philippians 1:29 NLT) I guess the best I can do is acknowledge that I am not in control and be thankful for what I have been given, for every good thing is a gift. I will hold my little family close to me and cherish them, holding them with open hands, knowing that it is all temporary. Whatever happens, I WILL emerge, I WILL survive, because of Him and His grace. I don't deserve any of this. ANY of it. Thank you, Jesus. 

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God. And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God’s purpose is that people should fear him. What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 NLT)